Intro
Respect is not what you feel. Respect is what you do despite your emotions.
In the previous episodes, I outlined a model of action in which zanshin is the foundation.
It is a state of distanced awareness. A starting point.
It enables self-control, which in turn enables action that is not driven by impulses, but by conscious choice. Then, discipline stabilizes this behavior over time.
All these elements form a feedback loop. Disciplined behavior strengthens self-control, and this opens more space for effective zanshin.
This is a mental system, and I have outlined how it works within us. In this and the next episode, I will examine how this system operates in relation to others—beyond its internal boundaries.
The first concept I will focus on today is respect. To clarify its meaning, I will begin with a common misunderstanding. Then, I will outline my own view.
1. Respect Is Not Submission
The first distinction I want to make is between respect and submission. There are people whom we respect, and at the same time we are subject to their authority. This makes it easy to confuse the two.
The people we often respect the most are our authorities—for example, our martial arts teachers. To learn anything, we need to trust them and follow their instructions. So how could we not become submissive to them?
There is a useful distinction, introduced by Erich Fromm, between rational and irrational authority.
An irrational authority puts their own development first—where “development” usually means extending their power. Such an authority demands submission and unconditional obedience. They place themselves in a position of dominance over you.
A rational authority offers guidance on your path and helps you develop your own potential. Such an authority does not need to demand submission or obedience, even though you follow them naturally. This is because you see that the authority opens possibilities for you.
However, as Aristotle and Immanuel Kant would argue, it cannot be the case that an authority sacrifices themselves for your development—this would amount to submission to you.
A relationship of growth must be mutual. Your teacher must also develop as a person within the relationship. Otherwise, they will end up with students they do not truly want to teach.
In this sense, you must accept your teacher as your master, and your master must accept you as a student. You must respect each other—but this does not mean submission.
2. Respect Is Not Feeling
It is also true that our relationship with authority is emotional, to some extent.
For example, you need to like your authority to a certain degree. This makes it easy to confuse respect with sympathy.
If you choose your teacher only because you like them, you may lose the opportunity to grow. This, in turn, is a lack of respect toward yourself.
On the other hand, we often fear those who are superior to us—yet we must still show them respect. This makes it easy to confuse respect with fear.
We may even fear our martial arts teachers. However, if that fear becomes too strong—if authority rules through fear and punishment—it will block your development.
Another feeling we may have toward others is admiration. There are people we admire and, as a result, we take their opinions into account. This, too, is often confused with respect.
This is a more complex case. Admiration can support our development.
For example, we should look for a martial arts teacher we can genuinely admire. This makes it easier to follow their guidance and to learn.
However, if it goes too far, it may lead to a loss of perspective. We may forget our own inner nature and, instead of developing it, begin to imitate others.
In any case, admiration is not the same as respect.
Whatever our feelings toward authority may be, we should not confuse them with respect. Emotions are unstable and sensitive to changing circumstances.
For example, we may fear our boss at work, but disregard them at home. This is not respect.
Moreover, emotions are not directly controllable. They are intuitive reactions, beyond rational control.
At the same time, we need authority most in emotional moments—when we don’t know what to do and look for guidance. If respect depends on emotion, it will fail exactly when it is needed.
This reveals something important. Respect must be stable over time and independent of emotion.
In other words, we should maintain respect despite our emotions. This is a crucial feature, central to understanding the concept.
3. The Spectrum of Relationships
We should not only respect our teachers voluntarily, or our bosses out of obligation. In a broader sense, we should respect other people in general.
To understand what respect really is, we need to extend its meaning.
Let’s place this within clear boundaries. On one side of the spectrum is avoidance—no engagement in relationships, a complete focus on oneself. On the other side is submission—engaging in relationships while losing oneself.
Respect concerns our relationship with others. So it cannot mean cutting off relationships entirely. At the same time, as I have already argued, respect is not submission.
Therefore, it must lie somewhere between these two extremes.
Naturally, we tend to incline toward one of these two sides. Whether we avoid others or engage in relationships while losing ourselves, we usually act on impulse—driven by our inner nature.
Therefore, to maintain respect—to remain in the middle—we need to pause before our intuitive reactions. This is where the model of action developed in the previous episodes becomes relevant.
4. Respect in the Structure of Action
Zanshin is a state of awareness grounded in detachment from whatever appears in consciousness. In this state, we begin to act from a distance—not only toward ourselves and our inner states, but also toward others, who are the source of many of our emotions.
This enables self-control instead of impulsive reaction—whether in the form of avoidance or submission. It means maintaining proper action despite the emotional impulses that others may evoke in us.
This is an extension of working with emotions—which I examined in the previous episode. In the state of zanshin, we can choose how to respond to them. In the same way, we can choose how to relate to other people.
Respect is a form of stable behavior toward others. To be respectful, our actions must not be driven by emotions—but emotions should not be suppressed either. Respect is proper action maintained despite our emotions.
However, this definition is not yet complete. We can act despite our emotions and still be disrespectful to others.
Therefore, we need to clarify what respectful action actually is.
5. How to Behave with Respect
This question opens the entire field of ethics, along with all its controversies—which I do not want to engage with here. Nevertheless, I feel obligated to answer it.
In the previous episode, I argued that compassion is not just a feeling. Compassion requires understanding. Understanding requires distance.
This is why zanshin matters.
So how can we understand others in general?
Consider the case of bonsai. An artist creates specific conditions—through cuts and supports—that shape the tree’s form. The tree struggles to survive in this environment, yet in doing so, it reveals its inner nature.
To be compassionate—and to show respect—means to see others in a similar way to the bonsai tree. Everyone struggles to survive according to their inner nature.
First and foremost, we should respect the effort—regardless of whether we agree with its direction. We should remember that the way people are is shaped by the obstacles they have encountered on their path.
Let’s take your martial arts teacher as an example. They are like the bonsai artist, and you are like the tree. They place obstacles on your path to guide your development in a particular direction. This is easy to understand.
However, as I have already said, the relationship must be mutual. In a sense, you are also like the bonsai artist. You place obstacles on your sensei’s path, and they must respond to them.
Between you and your teacher, there is a field of mutual respect. Within it, there is no need to constantly reflect on how to behave toward each other. Etiquette provides the structure—we simply need to follow it.
However, for etiquette to be more than an empty form, we must keep the mutual relationship in mind. Whether you are a student or a teacher, you are both engaged in a shared effort to meet the demands of your path.
6. What Respect Really Is
This brings me to a final definition of respect. It is a form of behavior that maintains the proper distance, allowing the other person to grow according to their inner nature. This is what I call respect.
However, we should remember that respect lies between two extremes: avoidance and submission. Respecting others does not mean passivity on the one hand, nor submission on the other.
Respecting most people we encounter in life requires only a minimal form of respect. It means simply allowing them to live according to their inner nature—and not interfering.
There are also people who rely on us. In such cases, respect requires our effort and engagement.
However, we should still act like the bonsai artist. We support them as far as necessary—and as far as they expect from us—and then allow them to grow according to their inner nature.
Finally, respect is not something momentary. We should respect others consistently.
As explained in the previous episodes, discipline is behavior maintained despite our emotions. Therefore, respect requires discipline.
This is how martial arts, when practiced properly, teach and strengthen respect. As explained in the previous episodes, repetition makes it easier to maintain zanshin, self-control, and disciplined action.
Etiquette is a form of repeated behavior. It allows us to act with respect without conscious effort.
And as Aristotle teaches, the repetition of virtuous action establishes virtue.
Outro
This was the Budo Diary Podcast. In this episode, I examined the concept of respect.
I distinguished respect from two extremes: avoidance and submission. Respect lies between them.
I also distinguished respect from feelings—especially sympathy, fear, and admiration. Feelings are unstable, context-dependent, and not directly controllable, while respect must remain stable over time.
I then integrated respect into my model of action.
Zanshin is the foundation that enables proper distance. It stops us before the impulsive reactions we are prone to—namely, avoidance and submission. This distance enables self-control.
With self-control, we can act with respect. Discipline stabilizes this behavior over time.
Finally, I defined respect as allowing others to grow according to their inner nature.
In the next episode, I will examine compassion—the condition that makes respect possible.
